Hello and welcome to my first blog post as an author. I am quite pleased to be here and also quite uncomfortable. I’m sure most of you out there are also quite uncomfortable; reading this in your car while your wife shops, sitting on that cracked leather chair while you get your car oil changed, in the dentist’s chair, half-numb and wondering why the hell your dentist is reading you a random blog by an author you’ve never heard of, whatever the case is, it’s probably uncomfortable. I know I’m right; you nodded your head as you read that. Now that we’ve established that life in general, can be quite uncomfortable, let’s move on.
If you found my blog on purpose, congratulations! You already know who I am. If you were clicked bait here, I apologize but hey, welcome! For those of you that don’t know who I am, I am Candace Nola, author of Breach, which is my debut novel.
If you have read it already, I thank you, because you are why I wrote it. Each person that read it or will read it, that is who it was written for, those of you that like to be uncomfortable, that like the dark, that enjoy a bit of pain or fear. Those that read to escape, to feel, to live or to experience something other than their comfort zone, even if they’re doing it from a comfy chair in their living room. Breach was written for each one of you.
As I write this, a million thoughts are in my head, for instance, “holy crap I’m writing an author blog”, “what if Breach is a miserable failure, rejected by the millions of Amazon patrons out there?”, or “oh my, what if Breach is a huge success?”. And therein, we discover why I am uncomfortable.
Each of those statements are daunting in their own way. Fearful, even, which brings us to our next topic. Fear, that disturbing emotion where our doubts lie hidden, waiting to smother us when we dare to speak them aloud. Where the darkness in each of us lies, undisturbed, until the wee hours of the morning, right before our big presentation, our dissertation, the SAT.
Boom! Our eyes flash open and we are awake, scared and breathing heavily, barely awake from dreaming about arriving to give the big speech and you discover you are naked. Fear, chewing through our thoughts, our positive outlook and our “can-do” attitudes. Fear strips us down to who we are at our roots, at our most primal level.
Fight or flight. Many of us operate on this level daily, thus we endure huge levels of stress, fatigue and unrest. Our minds live in a constant state of fear, with our fight or flight mode switched on at all times. That is extremely uncomfortable, to exist in that state at all times. My friends, I exist there, always.
Life in general has always terrified me. I had a horrible stutter as a child and that fear of judgement, of laughter, of the cruel put down has plagued me ever since. Being in the spotlight scares the crap out of me, regardless of how big that spotlight is. It could be an interview for a new job, my every sense is on high alert, sweat runs down my spine and my brain is on a constant fearful loop, “don’t stutter, don’t stutter, don’t stutter.” My entire body is in fight or flight mode, ready to flee at the first sign of failure or a hostile environment.
Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about; if not an interview, then a small speech in front of peers, a book report in front of classmates, teaching a surgical procedure to new residents. Basically, the fear of the “fuck up” and that is a fear we all know. That is the fear I am facing right now as I write this.
"Breach" is my biggest, most personal attempt at connecting to the outside world. To connect to others like me, that live in fear but somehow thrive on it as well. To connect to fellow readers, writers, and fans of all things dark and uncomfortable. You are my people, the ones I write for and write to.
Today’s post was meant to give you a brief view of my inner workings and I hope I have done that. I’m a person, just like you, that lives in the dark, because life makes me uncomfortable.
I’ll leave you with this, my mission statement of sorts, "Breach" and the many novels that will follow it, will take you into the dark and uncomfortable places in our world, in our minds, in the deepest parts of our soul and will force you to confront what lies within, and possibly, will make you a bit stronger to face your own fears that sneak up on you in the light.
Thank you from the deepest parts of my heart, for reading, for supporting, for sharing.
Regards from the uncomfortable dark.