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Zombies and other ramblings.



Sometimes I wonder what zombies would do if they got bored? Would they get bored? All of that endless wandering around looking around for brains to eat would have to become tedious at some point. I wonder if they would ever get flashes of their memory back, glimpses into who they once were, shadows of a time that came before the hunger, before the virus, before their untimely demise. If they do, then would they understand what it was they saw? Would they experience a sudden sadness over what has been lost to them or perhaps sudden rage, before the momentary flash of light in their eyes is dulled again by raging hunger and primal urges to hunt and kill? Would they then try to remember what it was that they had just remembered? What had caused them to feel suddenly so different?


Clearly, I have seen way too many zombie movies, one too many end of days movies, that much is clear. That being said, I have not seen one that "gets it right" in my opinion. That statement is very funny, I realize, because how would we know? There are several things that do bother me that I see occur in many of these films. One giant flaw in these movies occurs when the main characters do something "normal". What I mean by this is when they suddenly stumble across a house they can seek refuge in for the night. Seems great, right? Big house, somehow water is still working, perhaps electricity too. Great find, right?


So they go in, check it out, it's clear. No zombies around, not even a rotting corpse or two, so they are golden. In they go, doors are locked up, food is scrounged up and eaten and bathrooms are used to wash off the days, or the weeks blood, dirt, and grime. Bedtime! Let's all hop into a bed, in our undies, for a good nights rest. Anyone see anything wrong yet? If you do not, sigh, keep reading. Three hours later, while our folks are sound asleep, BANG! CRASH! AAARRGGGHHHHHHHH! Yep. Zombies are breaking in! Oh No, didn't see that coming! I feel like even the zombies would find this insulting. I feel like one or two just might look at each other like "they didn't see this coming?!"


Commence the screaming and wailing and gunshots, young people dashing about in bras and panties or boxer shorts, trying to escape the zombies. Yes, they fall, they drop the guns, or the ammo. Flesh is bitten, because why not? So much naked flesh is showing, gotta bite it! I realize, young naked flesh is appealing on a big movie screen, however, so much of it on display in a zombie movie is just absurd. Why? Because think about it for 30 seconds, IF this was any sane person, in the same situation, this scenario would not unfold the same way.


Sane people would have scoped out the house, declared it safe for a few hours sleep and would have gone inside. Lock the doors and fortify them somehow, boards over them, furniture piled up in front of any door or window, except one, to allow them an escape route. Same food and bath routine, except after the bath, sane people would have found clean clothes and would have hunkered down for the night, fully dressed with boots on; with everyone all piled up in the same room to sleep with one person keeping watch, if not two people, depending on our cast size. When the zombie attack occurs at 3 a.m., our young people jump up, fully dressed, guns blazing, zombie gore everywhere and our heroes escape out of the back door, after an epic shootout. No naked flesh bitten and lost, no hilarity ensuing in the movie theater as the movie goes from a great horror movie, to another campy horror comedy.


The same issue with anyone becoming too comfortable in a zombie type film. One such great zombie film has our merry band of survivors hunkered down in a shopping mall for several weeks, while zombies are just surrounding it outside, ceaselessly trying to get in. Not only do they declare certain stores as their new homes, they become super comfortable, skipping around the mall in silk pajamas and tiny dresses. For any sane human to achieve that level of comfort with a massive horde of zombies outside, would require a massive amount of weed or acid.


No one would be that unprepared, even in that situation.Yes, sure, find spots to sleep or gather, for some privacy, after a few days. But for you to not be fully dressed, with boots on, with backpacks and rifles nearby, would be insane and illogical. There was not enough of them to be fully manning all of the doors and windows, not enough people to keep watch at night, no warning system in place, nothing to warn them, other than seeing one, and by then, well good luck! That being said, I loved the idea of them using a mall as a refuge. It's a great option, clothes, food, usually some type of weapons can be found, tools. You could survive a little while but using it as a long term plan is probably not the best idea. In a survival situation, the best option is always get in, get what you need and get out as soon as possible, until you arrive upon an isolated farmhouse somewhere far away from any town or city. Maybe there, you can hunker down for a few months. Set some traps, fortify the doors and windows, start gathering other survivors, etc. Just my thoughts.


I love zombie movies, both the good and the bad, but just one time, I would like to see a movie that has the main characters behaving like sane rational people. Just one time, make an actual realistic movie that allows the main characters to behave like rational intelligent people. If anyone in movie land is listening, maybe you will give this a shot?


That's enough of my weird thoughts for today. We spent some time in my mom's pool this afternoon, discussing this very thing, so its been on my mind. You are welcome for that. Aren't you glad you stopped by?

Drop me a note below if you too wonder what zombies think or if certain movie scenario's bother you.

Stay tuned, stay dark and stay uncomfortable. See you next time.

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